A Journey To Healing

Let's start back at the beginning when I gave birth to Noah 2 years ago for background purposes. My OB recommended that we do an induction at 40 weeks for no other reason than to avoid a csection down the road. Me, being young and naive agreed. Worst experience ever that resulted in a csection. Noah's whole birth experience was very traumatic for not only me but Kris and Noah. I wasn't able to see Noah for 4 hours after his birth except a few minutes after. In the hospital, my nurses were awful, pushed formula and basically made me feel like I was a horrible mom because breastfeeding wasn't going well and I was an emotional wreck. My milk took 10 days to come in which made for some very stressed out days for Noah and I at home. I was really determined to breastfeed though so I kept with it and supplemented with formula. Once my milk came in, Noah latched and we stopped the formula. Fast forward 2 years and he is still nursing. Breastfeeding Noah really got me through the hard times.

You'll often hear people say, "Well all that matters is that you have a healthy baby." Really? My feelings don't matter? The fact that I beat myself up every day for almost a year after Noah's birth didn't matter? That when I look back at Noah's birth day, I don't have very many happy memories. Yes, I became a mother which is something that lots of women will never get to experience so I don't take that for granted. But I do know that how you give birth will have such a major impact on your life. I hated myself for trusting my OB. I hated myself for not knowing my choices during my birthing time, that I didn't challenge the induction, that I didn't kick my awful nurses out.

All that being said though I wouldn't have such a passion now for natural birth and breastfeeding if it wasn't for my experience that day. I knew when I got pregnant again, I would be trying for a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean). I reseached daily on vbacs, inductions, epidurals, traumatic births, doulas, midwives, water birth, natural birth, hospital birth and even homebirth. I found my local iCAN group (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and VBAC Facts online (vbacfacts.com) and went to our local Improving Birth rally in Sept. 2013. I met wonderful knowledgeable women there that encouraged me and believed in me. I'm forever grateful for them, you know who you are.  :) From there began my journey to healing.

When we got pregnant again in January, I began my search for a pro-vbac OB or midwife that my insurance covered. To be honest the thought of going with an OB regardless if they were pro-vbac and giving birth in a hospital scared me so I researched midwives and homebirth instead. I stumbled upon Buffalo Midwifery Services. I was pleased to find out that despite my blood clotting disorder, homebirth was still an option for me! I met with Eileen, the midwife there and knew right away that this was what I was looking for in a provider. I felt completely at ease with her which is something I didn't feel at all even after 9 months with my previous OB. She listened, asked questions and told me that this birth would be nothing like my 1st. I felt encouraged and empowered. Eileen offers homebirth in her house to families that live farther away from the hospital so that was our plan. Kris and I thought this was a great compromise to an out of hospital birth.

My pregnancy with Felix was uneventful just like it was with Noah. No complications expect for some back pain. Couple visits to the chiropractor though and I was a new person! Everyone would make comments on how "huge" I was and predicted that I wouldn't make it to my due date. I knew better though that I'd probably end up going past which was fine or so I thought at the time. It's really hard to go almost 2 weeks past your due date when the longest you've been pregnant is 40 weeks. I remember being so disappointed at my last few visits with Noah because I wasn't progressing at all. Even at 40 weeks with him, I was barely 1cm dilated and cervix was no where near ready. So with Felix, I didn't have any checks until my last appointment at 41+3. At that time I was only 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. I asked my midwife to do a membrane sweep at that time and we then dicussed other ways to help encourage labor. (nipple stimulation, walking, sex, homeopathy, acupuncture and reflexology) The only things I had been doing up until that point were drinking lots of red raspberry leaf tea and eating 6 dates a day since 36 weeks. RRL tea strengthens and tones your uterus making contractions during labor more effective. New research has shown that eating dates in the last month of pregnancy significantly lowers your need for an induction and creates an easier, shorter and more straightforward birth.

Kris and I went out to dinner at the Dog Bar on Friday, Oct. 17th (41+4) and to my surprise the irregular contractions that I had been having for days finally got regular at 7-8 minutes apart. In fact just walking from the car into the restaurant gave me a contraction and that seemed to be the start of early labor. (around 5:30pm) They took my breathe away but I could still talk through them. The owner of the restaurant is a family member of Kris' so when she asked when I was due, we told her 10 days ago and that I was having contractions. She laughed and was like "well let me know if you need me to make a phone call, the fire station is just across the street." She continued to check on us throughout the evening. When we got home we make the switch to my mil's car because my car didn't sound too hot on the ride to and from the restaurant.
The contractions didn't let up through the night and continued into Saturday. They were getting stronger as the day passed but I was still able to work through them. I honestly didn't think I would be in active labor by the end of the night. I took a few baths throughout the day to get some rest. With these contractions brought on vomiting...no fun! Mary, my doula called me to see how I was doing and I actually had to hang up on her and run to the bathroom to throw up. At this point I was doubting myself and started crying. Mary reassured me that I could do this and will do this. She reminded me to take one contraction at a time and that they always will end, you just have to ride the wave. I was so exhausted but I reminded myself that I didn't come this far to fail. I tried different positions to relieve the pain; walking, swatting, leaning over the bookshelf, and hands & knees.
I took a bath around 6:30pm, contractions were still coming every 7 minutes but were getting much harder to get through. When I got out, I had 3 contractions in 7 minutes. My mom kept saying before these contractions even hit that she guessed I was further along than I thought but I was kind of in denial. I sent my doula Mary a text to let her know what was going on. At this point, around 7pm, I needed my mom or Kris to put pressure on my lower back to get through the contractions. They were really painful and I started to doubt myself again that I could do this. Mary advised me to call Eileen, my midwife. We made the decision to come on in as I was pretty sure I was in transition. Kris gathered everything up in the car and my mom was helping me through contractions. We had my mom come with us in the car. Thank goodness because my contractions were so incredibly painful and I was feeling so much pressure in my bottom like I needed to push. It was a long 30 minutes in the car, I just kept praying for my contractions to stop or slow down. I really didn't want to give birth on the side of the road in the car. They kept coming though and my mom was coaching me through each one.
When we arrived at my midwife's around 8:15pm, everyone was already there; Mary (doula), Eileen (midwife) and LuAnn (midwife in training). They started to fill the tub as soon as we got there and Mary applied pressure to my lower back with a ball to help me through the contractions. We checked the heartbeat of the baby and he was doing great. I got on the birth ball and leaned up against another ball on the bed. Kris sat on the bed and let me squeeze the heck out of his hand while Mary worked her magic. Doulas are awesome!!! My contractions were right on top of each other and I was moaning through every single one. Finally the pool was filled, seemed like the wait was forever but in reality I'm pretty sure it was only like 20 minutes or so.

My doula, Mary and I

Instantly the warm water gave me some relief. I asked Mary to say a prayer for the birth and I could just feel God there with us. He was watching over us. At 9pm, my water broke, what a crazy sensation that was. Right away I started feeling the urge to push. I remember during the pregnancy, that being one of my fears, that I wouldn't feel the urge to push or know what to do when the time came. But man do your instincts just kick right in. I knew exactly what to do.

LuAnn asked me if I wanted my mom to come in and of course I said yes. Kris was putting cold washcloths on my neck and head. LuAnn had me breathe in clary sage in between a set of contractions. She also put her hand on my chest at one point when I was starting to stress during a contraction and said "center yourself Sara." Immediately I became calmer.

LuAnn telling me to "center myself"

Pushing was intense to say the least, hardest thing I've ever done! And it felt like it went on forever, really it was only 53 minutes. I felt the ring of fire, the burning sensation as Felix was crowning. I remembered Mary telling me to not to force the push but let your body do it's thing so I didn't tear. The funny part was is that the contractions seemed to slow down as I was trying to push out his head but I made sure to not force the push. I was like, "Really?! This is so not the time to slow down!" Eileen asked me in between a contraction if I could feel his head so I reached down and to my surprise there was a head, full of hair! Apparently my face was priceless but no one got it on camera. From that moment I knew I was doing it, I knew I would be meeting our baby boy so soon! I kept pushing my hardest and grunting through every contraction. I needed this baby out of me! Finally his head came out, then came the hard part pushing the rest of him. I struggled and it took a couple good contractions but finally Felix was in the water!

He looks scary but he's fine, I promise!

LuAnn was there to catch him and Eileen noticed quickly the cord wrapped around his neck. She told LuAnn to turn him to free him. We brought him partly out of the water and onto my chest. He didn't make a peep and his face was a little blue. A little scary but I knew I was in good hands. After rubbing his back he started to scream. I couldn't wait to hear that little scream! He was simply amazing! Everyone was saying, "you did it!" I couldn't believe it, I just gave birth in water at home!! My mom was crying and Kris and I just couldn't stop smiling.

First cry

Kris cutting the cord

We did delayed cord clamping and Kris got to cut the cord. While I delivered the placenta, Kris did some skin on skin time with Felix. Eileen and LuAnn helped me over to the bed and right away I started breastfeeding. Felix latched instantly! He nursed for probably a good 30 minutes and then we took his stats. Everyone took a guess at how much he weighed, most guessing around 9lbs or above. Felix weighed in at 8lbs 12oz and 21in long. Almost 1 pound bigger than Noah and a half an inch longer and I didn't tear! His chest was actually bigger than his head! Take that previous OB who said I would have a difficult time delivering vaginally! :p Felix had some bruising on his nose and forehead from the birth but other than that he was in prefect health. We arrived at my midwife's on Oct. 18th at 8:15pm, Felix was born at 9:53pm and we were home by 1am.

Daddy & Felix

First latch

Getting weighed

Midwives, Felix and me

Felix's birth was perfect! I honestly wouldn't have changed anything about it. We were surrounded by so much love and support. It was simply beautiful! It was just the healing I needed and I know that God had his hand in every part of the pregnancy from beginning to end. I'm forever grateful ♥