A Journey To Healing

Let's start back at the beginning when I gave birth to Noah 2 years ago for background purposes. My OB recommended that we do an induction at 40 weeks for no other reason than to avoid a csection down the road. Me, being young and naive agreed. Worst experience ever that resulted in a csection. Noah's whole birth experience was very traumatic for not only me but Kris and Noah. I wasn't able to see Noah for 4 hours after his birth except a few minutes after. In the hospital, my nurses were awful, pushed formula and basically made me feel like I was a horrible mom because breastfeeding wasn't going well and I was an emotional wreck. My milk took 10 days to come in which made for some very stressed out days for Noah and I at home. I was really determined to breastfeed though so I kept with it and supplemented with formula. Once my milk came in, Noah latched and we stopped the formula. Fast forward 2 years and he is still nursing. Breastfeeding Noah really got me through the hard times.

You'll often hear people say, "Well all that matters is that you have a healthy baby." Really? My feelings don't matter? The fact that I beat myself up every day for almost a year after Noah's birth didn't matter? That when I look back at Noah's birth day, I don't have very many happy memories. Yes, I became a mother which is something that lots of women will never get to experience so I don't take that for granted. But I do know that how you give birth will have such a major impact on your life. I hated myself for trusting my OB. I hated myself for not knowing my choices during my birthing time, that I didn't challenge the induction, that I didn't kick my awful nurses out.

All that being said though I wouldn't have such a passion now for natural birth and breastfeeding if it wasn't for my experience that day. I knew when I got pregnant again, I would be trying for a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean). I reseached daily on vbacs, inductions, epidurals, traumatic births, doulas, midwives, water birth, natural birth, hospital birth and even homebirth. I found my local iCAN group (International Cesarean Awareness Network) and VBAC Facts online (vbacfacts.com) and went to our local Improving Birth rally in Sept. 2013. I met wonderful knowledgeable women there that encouraged me and believed in me. I'm forever grateful for them, you know who you are.  :) From there began my journey to healing.

When we got pregnant again in January, I began my search for a pro-vbac OB or midwife that my insurance covered. To be honest the thought of going with an OB regardless if they were pro-vbac and giving birth in a hospital scared me so I researched midwives and homebirth instead. I stumbled upon Buffalo Midwifery Services. I was pleased to find out that despite my blood clotting disorder, homebirth was still an option for me! I met with Eileen, the midwife there and knew right away that this was what I was looking for in a provider. I felt completely at ease with her which is something I didn't feel at all even after 9 months with my previous OB. She listened, asked questions and told me that this birth would be nothing like my 1st. I felt encouraged and empowered. Eileen offers homebirth in her house to families that live farther away from the hospital so that was our plan. Kris and I thought this was a great compromise to an out of hospital birth.

My pregnancy with Felix was uneventful just like it was with Noah. No complications expect for some back pain. Couple visits to the chiropractor though and I was a new person! Everyone would make comments on how "huge" I was and predicted that I wouldn't make it to my due date. I knew better though that I'd probably end up going past which was fine or so I thought at the time. It's really hard to go almost 2 weeks past your due date when the longest you've been pregnant is 40 weeks. I remember being so disappointed at my last few visits with Noah because I wasn't progressing at all. Even at 40 weeks with him, I was barely 1cm dilated and cervix was no where near ready. So with Felix, I didn't have any checks until my last appointment at 41+3. At that time I was only 1cm dilated and 50% effaced. I asked my midwife to do a membrane sweep at that time and we then dicussed other ways to help encourage labor. (nipple stimulation, walking, sex, homeopathy, acupuncture and reflexology) The only things I had been doing up until that point were drinking lots of red raspberry leaf tea and eating 6 dates a day since 36 weeks. RRL tea strengthens and tones your uterus making contractions during labor more effective. New research has shown that eating dates in the last month of pregnancy significantly lowers your need for an induction and creates an easier, shorter and more straightforward birth.

Kris and I went out to dinner at the Dog Bar on Friday, Oct. 17th (41+4) and to my surprise the irregular contractions that I had been having for days finally got regular at 7-8 minutes apart. In fact just walking from the car into the restaurant gave me a contraction and that seemed to be the start of early labor. (around 5:30pm) They took my breathe away but I could still talk through them. The owner of the restaurant is a family member of Kris' so when she asked when I was due, we told her 10 days ago and that I was having contractions. She laughed and was like "well let me know if you need me to make a phone call, the fire station is just across the street." She continued to check on us throughout the evening. When we got home we make the switch to my mil's car because my car didn't sound too hot on the ride to and from the restaurant.
The contractions didn't let up through the night and continued into Saturday. They were getting stronger as the day passed but I was still able to work through them. I honestly didn't think I would be in active labor by the end of the night. I took a few baths throughout the day to get some rest. With these contractions brought on vomiting...no fun! Mary, my doula called me to see how I was doing and I actually had to hang up on her and run to the bathroom to throw up. At this point I was doubting myself and started crying. Mary reassured me that I could do this and will do this. She reminded me to take one contraction at a time and that they always will end, you just have to ride the wave. I was so exhausted but I reminded myself that I didn't come this far to fail. I tried different positions to relieve the pain; walking, swatting, leaning over the bookshelf, and hands & knees.
I took a bath around 6:30pm, contractions were still coming every 7 minutes but were getting much harder to get through. When I got out, I had 3 contractions in 7 minutes. My mom kept saying before these contractions even hit that she guessed I was further along than I thought but I was kind of in denial. I sent my doula Mary a text to let her know what was going on. At this point, around 7pm, I needed my mom or Kris to put pressure on my lower back to get through the contractions. They were really painful and I started to doubt myself again that I could do this. Mary advised me to call Eileen, my midwife. We made the decision to come on in as I was pretty sure I was in transition. Kris gathered everything up in the car and my mom was helping me through contractions. We had my mom come with us in the car. Thank goodness because my contractions were so incredibly painful and I was feeling so much pressure in my bottom like I needed to push. It was a long 30 minutes in the car, I just kept praying for my contractions to stop or slow down. I really didn't want to give birth on the side of the road in the car. They kept coming though and my mom was coaching me through each one.
When we arrived at my midwife's around 8:15pm, everyone was already there; Mary (doula), Eileen (midwife) and LuAnn (midwife in training). They started to fill the tub as soon as we got there and Mary applied pressure to my lower back with a ball to help me through the contractions. We checked the heartbeat of the baby and he was doing great. I got on the birth ball and leaned up against another ball on the bed. Kris sat on the bed and let me squeeze the heck out of his hand while Mary worked her magic. Doulas are awesome!!! My contractions were right on top of each other and I was moaning through every single one. Finally the pool was filled, seemed like the wait was forever but in reality I'm pretty sure it was only like 20 minutes or so.

My doula, Mary and I

Instantly the warm water gave me some relief. I asked Mary to say a prayer for the birth and I could just feel God there with us. He was watching over us. At 9pm, my water broke, what a crazy sensation that was. Right away I started feeling the urge to push. I remember during the pregnancy, that being one of my fears, that I wouldn't feel the urge to push or know what to do when the time came. But man do your instincts just kick right in. I knew exactly what to do.

LuAnn asked me if I wanted my mom to come in and of course I said yes. Kris was putting cold washcloths on my neck and head. LuAnn had me breathe in clary sage in between a set of contractions. She also put her hand on my chest at one point when I was starting to stress during a contraction and said "center yourself Sara." Immediately I became calmer.

LuAnn telling me to "center myself"

Pushing was intense to say the least, hardest thing I've ever done! And it felt like it went on forever, really it was only 53 minutes. I felt the ring of fire, the burning sensation as Felix was crowning. I remembered Mary telling me to not to force the push but let your body do it's thing so I didn't tear. The funny part was is that the contractions seemed to slow down as I was trying to push out his head but I made sure to not force the push. I was like, "Really?! This is so not the time to slow down!" Eileen asked me in between a contraction if I could feel his head so I reached down and to my surprise there was a head, full of hair! Apparently my face was priceless but no one got it on camera. From that moment I knew I was doing it, I knew I would be meeting our baby boy so soon! I kept pushing my hardest and grunting through every contraction. I needed this baby out of me! Finally his head came out, then came the hard part pushing the rest of him. I struggled and it took a couple good contractions but finally Felix was in the water!

He looks scary but he's fine, I promise!

LuAnn was there to catch him and Eileen noticed quickly the cord wrapped around his neck. She told LuAnn to turn him to free him. We brought him partly out of the water and onto my chest. He didn't make a peep and his face was a little blue. A little scary but I knew I was in good hands. After rubbing his back he started to scream. I couldn't wait to hear that little scream! He was simply amazing! Everyone was saying, "you did it!" I couldn't believe it, I just gave birth in water at home!! My mom was crying and Kris and I just couldn't stop smiling.

First cry

Kris cutting the cord

We did delayed cord clamping and Kris got to cut the cord. While I delivered the placenta, Kris did some skin on skin time with Felix. Eileen and LuAnn helped me over to the bed and right away I started breastfeeding. Felix latched instantly! He nursed for probably a good 30 minutes and then we took his stats. Everyone took a guess at how much he weighed, most guessing around 9lbs or above. Felix weighed in at 8lbs 12oz and 21in long. Almost 1 pound bigger than Noah and a half an inch longer and I didn't tear! His chest was actually bigger than his head! Take that previous OB who said I would have a difficult time delivering vaginally! :p Felix had some bruising on his nose and forehead from the birth but other than that he was in prefect health. We arrived at my midwife's on Oct. 18th at 8:15pm, Felix was born at 9:53pm and we were home by 1am.

Daddy & Felix

First latch

Getting weighed

Midwives, Felix and me

Felix's birth was perfect! I honestly wouldn't have changed anything about it. We were surrounded by so much love and support. It was simply beautiful! It was just the healing I needed and I know that God had his hand in every part of the pregnancy from beginning to end. I'm forever grateful ♥

These Moments

There have been a lot of little moments lately that make me a little teary eyed. It's hard to believe my baby is going to be 2 in less than a month! Where has the time gone, he's growing up too fast! I didn't think I'd be so emotional but it's becoming very bittersweet to realize that very shortly I'm going to have to share my time with Noah. That I won't be able to give him all of the attention that he needs. Don't get me wrong I'm very excited about welcoming a new baby into the family but I'm going to miss my time with Noah. I know the baby will take a lot of my time especially with nursing. And to be honest that makes me sad. I'm so thankful for the 2 years that I've been able to stay home with him, to really spend time with him watching him grow into the little toddler that he is. Noah is my world!

Just tonight, I was watching a movie and he was playing with his toys over by the stairs. He was completely fine playing by himself but came over to me, climbed up in my lap and wanted to nurse. So I let him of course and he just stared at me with those big brown eyes. In that moment he needed me, he needed me to comfort him. Breastfeeding a toddler is so much more than just providing nutrients, it's a bond that is like no other. I was reminded why I worked so hard to breastfeed. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Tonight while I was putting him to bed, he nursed and then pulled my neck in real close and touched my nose to his. These are the moments that make attachment parenting worth every minute. It's what makes bedsharing worth it. In the morning lately, Noah has needed at least 30 mins of cuddle time/nursing time to get him up. It's so freaking adorable! I'll say to him after a few mins, "you ready to go down stairs?" He'll say to me "no" and give me a huge smile and hug me. Love it! Some think that attachment parenting is crazy but I'm really just doing what comes completely natural to me. So if that makes me crazy, so be it. I've got the research to fully back me up on my decisions. :p

These are the moments that I want to bottle up and save forever because there is no greater joy than the love of a child.

Breastfeeding Portrait Project

So this past Monday, Noah and I had the opportunity to get some breastfeeding pictures taken by a local photographer (Lindsey Robinson Photography) working on a portrait project in hopes to normalize breastfeeding. I saw Lindsey's ad on one of my local breastfeeding support groups and quickly applied. She contacted me an hour later with excitement asking if I was free Monday to come into her studio. Of course I said yes, I was thrilled to participate. I was a little nervous as to how cooperative Noah would be but Lindsey let us do our thing and took some awesome photos!!! I will treasure these photographs for a lifetime. Here are some of my favorites :)

Life Lately

So it's been a few months since my last post. If you haven't heard the news, I'm pregnant with baby #2! Estimated due date is October 6th. Kris and I are both very excited, Noah doesn't understand just yet. He likes to kick my stomach a lot! Obviously something I'm trying to teach him not to do. He is so full of energy, just non-stop all day long! I'm always exhausted! Thankfully though, I hit the 14 week mark yesterday so hopefully I'll get some energy back. I'm relieved to be past the big window of miscarriage! Praying each day that God gives us a healthy baby this fall and I know he will.

Noah is still nursing which is a whole new experience besides being pregnant with a toddler. I have been trying to cut him back because I've noticed is really taking a toll on me. I have no energy and I'm losing weight. I'm thinner than when I was pregnant with Noah and I lost weight then too but my hubby keeps telling me I'm too thin this time around. And to be honest sometimes I just feel unhealthy like the baby and Noah are sucking the life right out of me. A few weeks ago I tried night weaning...let me tell you, so hard! I gave up because he was just miserable and I was beyond exhausted. Thankfully the past week or so he has been pretty good about only nursing once through the night. During the day, it's really hard to cut him back because we are with each other all day long. Every time I sit down, he has to climb on top of me and reach down my shirt. It can be pretty hilarious but also really obnoxious, especially when we have company over. My supply has already taken a huge hit and I'm sure that is why he is constantly on me. I've found that I can distract him with food and we just have to keep busy. Hopefully he will wean himself before the new babe comes, I don't really know if I want to nurse 2 at the same time. I feel very proud to made it this far (19 months) especially looking back at those first couple weeks home from the hospital. Kris makes comments all the time like "remember when he wouldn't latch?" or "remember all the tears we cried?" It's just crazy to
look back at that time and then look at him now. Breastfeeding is an amazing journey that I wish all moms could have!

Some good news is that I get to have a midwife with this pregnancy and looks the insurance is going to pay for it! Yay!! I've only met with her once but I felt more comfortable with her than I did the whole 9 months carrying Noah with my OB. Most of you know I had a not so pleasant birth experience with Noah that ended in a c-section. This pregnancy will be completely different! I'm in the process of looking for a doula! I'm excited to have a birth coach this time around!

So here's to new experiences and a new baby!

Start of a New Year

I've been thinking a lot about how Noah came into this world. It's something that weighs very heavy on my heart. It wasn't the birth I chose by any means but it was a learning experience. A friend told me the other day "Just remember that it was his birth that brought you to be as impassioned as you are." This has really stuck me so thanks Lindsay! Before Noah's birth I thought nothing of the whole birth process or about hospitals, birth centers or homebirth. I just knew that I wanted the natural childbirth experience like my mom. I kept telling myself, "my mom had 5 natural births,  I can do this!"

Little did I know the battle that would be fought in the hospital not just with the birth I wanted but with breastfeeding as well. My pregnancies are high risk because of the blood thinners so I just assumed that what my OB said was true. He wanted to induce me at 40 weeks. He said that I would have a higher chance of a c-section if I waited. So of course I listened because I didn't want a c-section. Newsflash I had a c-section anyways because of my induction. I know now through my research that this line is one of the biggest scare tactics that doctors will use on pregnant women. Part of me beats myself up for not doing enough research. It's something that I'm trying very hard to get over because let's face it, it's in the past and there is nothing I can do about it. Noah and I's breastfeeding relationship wasn't always good because of what I went through in the hospital. He wouldn't latch so the nurses basically told me I had to give formula. I was devastated! I got home,  pumped like crazy, started taking fenugreek and brewers yeast,  and stopped the formula. It took 10 days for my milk to come in, the longest 10 days of my life! I was determined though and we are still going at 16 months. Just so you know the World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding till the age of 2. Now through all my research, I know I can do something different and change the outcome not only for myself but for my unborn baby. No I'm not pregnant right now lol. Someday I know I can have the natural birth that I want without pitocin, an epidural or a c-section. I'm in control of my birth experience from now on! And that's something that I can be grateful for.

Through my c-section, I've really found a passion for natural childbirth and breastfeeding. Something that I don't know would be there if I had the natural birth that I wanted. I've met some great girls over the past 6 months that have this same passion. I feel blessed to have met them! It's funny how God takes a negative experience from your life and turns it into a positive. So I'm not going to let my scar get me down. Instead I'm going to use it as a source of power and strength for me to fight for myself. So when your doctor says "maybe we should schedule an induction or c-section",  run away! Lol No but really question if it's the right thing for you and your baby. Trust your body because women have been giving born naturally for thousands of years!